insomniac

I made a plan this time
to calm my mind
before I place it on the pillow again
My mother used to have ways to do so
she used to sing and
do secret spells
to make me forget
and fret less
about the fact that
I laid there
all small and bare
My self-aware brain
trained to make itself crazy
racy eyes
reminding itself of all that had passed
in the last 24 hours
Forcing myself into acceptance
as to not make it worse
But the ceiling looks so boring
and so does that wall
Can’t make myself fall down
up is the only way to go it seems
At some point the leg twitches settle in
the beginning of a long nothingness
Until finally one eye closes
and then the other starts telling me stories about a day
I once lived
and a forgiveness I couldn’t take upon myself
so now I live it again
until I go truly mad
In desperate times I set out on night walks
to find furniture and strayed cats
both in need of a some loving hands and home
my face in a window
asking for my legs to bring me back now
so I do
I really did try to drink less coffee
read more
exercise
fight off all the excess
through meditation
love
sought after solutions
to a never-ending problem
To no avail
And then the sun rises again
New hours to digest
To pass
I’ll rest when I’m dead
we say
to downplay
But at least I can listen to the rain at night
and see the light emerge
in bundles of unique colours
at least there’s that

-D.